July 18, 2011
I got up early this morning at 6am to go to the hospital, hoping I’ll still have part of the day left when I return to actually accomplish things at home. It’s 830pm now, I haven’t accomplished anything and I’m freaking out. Wyatt’s surgery is tomorrow and suddenly I feel lost, scared, hurt and so many other things I can’t even find words for. I’m terrified to put my son’s life into someone else’s hands again. This feeling of no control still feels as bad as it did the day he was born. I feel like I went back in time to June 3, like a déjà vu. I’m stuck in this place again of not knowing how things will turn out, this nightmare, knowing that nothing will ever be the same again. My head is telling me the surgery is for the better but my heart feels like I’m losing my son all over again. I just want to scoop him up and run away. I can’t stop crying. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t want to put him through this.
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