rock bottom - abnormal MRI results June 9/10

June 9

Well Wyatt is not progressing very much, so they're transferring him to a different hospital to do an MRI on his brain. At the current hospital they could only do the MRI under sedation. The hospital they’re transferring him to is the next level up and can do it without sedation and has the means for further treatment if needed. Hopefully they find nothing, but his heart and lungs checked out ok. Checking his brain is the only thing left. We're really scared!... Just when you think you are emotionally stable again, this happens. It feels like we’re walking on a rope over the Grand Canyon. One wrong step and we’ll fall. At this point, I’m only standing on one foot trying to keep my balance on that rope. 

June 10

We got Wyatt's MRI results back this morning. It’s not good. It appears that he has some abnormalities on the right side and the rear of his brain due to undetermined reasons. Most likely it was caused by a partial lack of oxygen to the brain at some point shortly before or even during birth. Why or how, no one knows. The good news is that now that the swelling in his brain is down, he is breathing a little better and he pooped on his own. All his blood gases are good and he has normal baby reactions, movements and instincts. Unfortunately there is no way of telling to what extent his brain has been damaged. The doctor explained that baby’s brains have plasticity so it could be that it can rewire itself over time around the problem areas to the point where Wyatt comes out of it normal. On the other hand, the areas that are affected could lead to things like coordination issues, problems with sight, cerebral pulsy, Parkinson’s disease, etc. There is no way to predict Wyatt’s outcome and possible long-term challenges…

I hit rock bottom today. What had I done wrong? My responsibility was to make sure everything went well during pregnancy. My body was supposed to create this perfect little human being. How can he have brain damage? It doesn’t make sense. There were never any signs of complications, even during labor his heart rate never dropped and he was very active. Somebody please explain what’s going on. I have so many emotions running through me, I feel like I’m going to explode. I’ve never felt so much pain before. Why couldn’t have something gone wrong with me during labor instead of Wyatt? I’d give anything to trade places with Wyatt. How are we going to explain this to the other kids? How do you tell a 9, 6 and 2 year old that their brother is not going to be normal? The word normal just suddenly lost its meaning. I can’t even put into words what I’m feeling and thinking right now. When the doctor first told us the results, I completely shut down. I couldn’t hear anything else he said, I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t even look at Wyatt. I just had to get out of that hospital. I couldn’t breathe. My heart was ripped out into a million pieces and I didn’t have the strength to even pick the pieces back up. I just wanted to scream.