July 8 continued
Oh wait, there is something else that happened today. Before you continue reading though, here is a warning and I’m being completely serious! If you are religious, you should probably stop reading now. I am not religious by any stretch of the imagination and I’m about to vent about a chaplain that keeps bugging me in the hospital at bedside and my venting about such chaplain may offend you. Alright, you have been forewarned…
So for those of you who don’t know, I don’t believe in God. I’m not religious, never have been and no one on my side of the family is. I respect people who are and I look at it as to each their own. Life is challenging to say the least and we each need to have a way to cope. So whatever works for you is fine by me. But I personally do not believe in God, I don’t prey and I am very uncomfortable getting near, much less inside any type of religious building. That being said, there is this chaplain that makes his rounds in the NICU sometimes. The first time he stopped by I had a bad day and was not coping well. I was holding Wyatt at the time during his constant up and down days and my 9 year old son was also with me. Quite frankly, I didn’t listen to a whole lot the chaplain said but it was something to the effect of he wants to prey for Wyatt and God will give us strength. I kindly informed him that I do not believe in God but if he wanted to prey for Wyatt that’d be fine. Telling him that last part was probably a mistake on my end. That day I just simply wanted to be left alone and I didn’t think that statement through. Well, that same chaplain came back today… I’ll try to phrase this nicely… A lot has happened with Wyatt since I last saw that chaplain. There were a lot of failed extubation attempts, the surgery decision we had to make, the pending genetic testing, etc. Just seeing that chaplain made me immediately uncomfortable but I figured he got my point last time I spoke to him when I said I didn’t believe in God. Well, apparently he didn’t get that point. Not wanting to talk to him again, I just looked back at Wyatt and talked to him instead. Ignoring the chaplain didn’t work either though. He just stood there uncomfortably close to me wiggling his keys in his pocket to make sure I could hear him. It must have looked funny from a bystander’s perspective. You could feel the tension. It was like a contest of who would give in first. Stubborn as I am, when I still didn’t respond to him wiggling his keys, he finally addressed me by my name after two minutes of just standing there. The most uncomfortable two minutes ever by the way. Ok, before I continue, I have to tell you that I got a long speech from a respiratory therapist last night about how “when we don’t understand what’s going on, why this is happening to us in our life, we just have to trust that God only puts on us what we can handle”. I bit my tongue then, even though she repeated herself several times, and just tried to change the subject by repeating that I just wanted the surgery to be done as possible. Anyway, that’s the background story, among many. Back to the chaplain story. So he lost the contest and finally spoke to me even though I was intentionally not acknowledging him. Again, to be polite and keep my comments to myself, I blocked out most of what he said and he finished by saying he’d continue to prey for Wyatt. I was nice. I didn’t want to be rude and I wanted to show respect for his beliefs. After all, I know he probably means well and was just trying to comfort me. But enough is enough already. I can’t hold it in any longer. I have to vent somehow, right now. So here it goes (hence the previous warning).
This is what I really wanted to say to the chaplain: People want to be respected for the religion they believe in. Then how come they themselves have such a hard time leaving non-religious people like myself alone and spare us of their religious comments? You want to prey, then prey but leave me out of it. If there has ever been a time where I was any surer that there is no God, it is now. Not even the devil himself (which I also don’t believe in) would put such misery on innocent little babies. This is not about me and what I’m going through. Why does Wyatt have to go through this? So don’t give me this crap about things happen for a reason or God only puts on us what we can handle. Screw that. I really don’t care who believes in what but have the courtesy to also respect others who don’t believe in any religion. I already told you I don’t believe in God, yet you keep coming back and bugging me. You’re not going to convert me and I’m not interested in hearing more about your religion either. So the only reason I see in why you insist on making continuous religious comments is so that you can feel better. Well guess what, this is not about you or me or anyone else. The circumstances surrounding Wyatt are simply what they are. There is no reason or explanation for it so please stop trying to hide behind religion whenever life hands you things you can’t explain…You have no idea how much I just wanted to tell that Chaplain where to go with those comments - and it’s not heaven.Ok, I'm done venting. I feel better now.
Nic, people pray because it makes them feel better. Possibly that annoying chaplain wants to say what I want to say ... "even though I don't know you personally, my heart is full of love for you and your boys. I want to make it all right for you. God or no God, you have the right to be angry, hurt, frustrated - and loved."
ReplyDeleteSo if you'd rather I say I am sending you love every day ... F religion ... energy is scientific and I want to send you all I can.
I agree that people prey because it makes them feel better and that's their way of coping with life's obsticles. And that's perfectly fine with me. I'm not against religion by any means, I just personally don't believe in it. That particular chaplain is just really annoying and won't go away no matter how nicely I put it. Even other parents at the NICU who are religious have complained about him. At least it's not just me I guess ;)
ReplyDeleteHi,
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, but I'm a friend of Kelle Goodson-Kimble) in Cheyenne, WY.
I just want to pat you on the frickin’ back for this post! I love everything you said, and having just went through a similar situation (my dad was in a horrible accident at christmas and we lost him after 10 days in ICU), I was ready to murder the freaking church people and pastors that were coming through. I can't TELL you how sick I got of people saying they were praying for me--people who KNEW me, and KNEW I didn't appreciate that type of language and wasn't comfortable with the "pray for you" lingo. If we as non-believers are constantly berated to be respectful of religion, why don't we get that same respect? I could go on forever.
The absolute WORST time for someone to get preachy like this is when you're in a personal crisis, so please know that I know exactly how that tension and awkwardness feels. In my situation, my father was very religious, but me, my brother and mom are not, so it was hard to do what felt comfortable for us, and what we knew my dad would want. In the end, we just let the pastor come in and pray over my Dad’s bed while we left the room. However, the pastor of my Dad’s church gave out my phone number to his congregation (yes, very inappropriate) and some of them left me voicemails about how I should be praying with my Dad and reading him the bible… I’ve never been more offended in my life.) I think that stuff cuts deeper when you’re in an emergency situation and living in a hospital hoping someone will live. You expect people to tread more lightly, be more sensitive. Church people, however, seem to think they are exempt.
Hopefully this comment isn’t too much… I just really felt a connection with where you are, having been there such a short time ago myself. Please feel free to email me if you want to chat more; I know exactly how it feels to have your entire BEING hinged on a doctor’s prognosis, a nurse’s attentiveness and everything you do/say/feel/breathe is attached to that person in the hospital bed.
-Prairie, remarkablytypical@gmail.com
I am so sorry to hear about your dad and everything you had to go through! I completely understand your frustration. Life is by no means fair or predictable. Having to deal with such disrespect when we're at our most vulnerable makes it very difficult to “play it nice” (for lack of better terms). I don’t get it. Where did this misunderstanding between religious people and atheists come from? (And I don’t even like the label “atheist”.) Why is it ok for religious people to always use religious comments when dealing with difficult situations in life, yet atheists are being called disrespectful when we say out loud that we don’t want to be bothered by such comments? That’s such a double standard. I was raised that in order to get respect you have to earn it. Well this hypocrisy is not earning respect in my book. Why can’t we all just deal with life in our own ways and respect each other’s space and word our comments accordingly?
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad Kaiser doesn't have a Chaplain. I couldn't imagine having someone coming by doing that while we are going through what we are now. I'm not sure where I stand with religion at this point but I'll take family support, someone helping out with groceries or cleaning up the house anytime over a prayer.
ReplyDeleteI'm not good at accepting help but don't turn down help with the daily stuff. People want to help and that way, you can take a little break to recharge and take care of what's really important - your child.
ReplyDelete