I think I'm losing my mind.

It’s 1030pm. I just got back from the hospital. Wyatt is definitely not acting like himself. The only time I’ve seen him this lethargic is when he was sedated and he’s not on any sedation medication right now. It’s hard to watch when all you can do is wait and hope he’ll come around. I don’t know what I’m feeling. The tracheotomy was supposed to make things better but instead his breathing is worse. I know it’s only been a week and he has to get used to it but for him to be completely out of it like that today, that’s not normal. They put him on antibiotics to be on the safe side until the culture comes back in 48 hours. His blood work is a little off but nothing major I was told. However, Wyatt keeps dropping his oxygen saturations and they have to slowly go up on his oxygen support. When they drew his blood, he did actually wake up and got so mad that he held his breath and turned purple. He’s done that before when he gets mad. Only this time, not just his oxygen saturations dropped but even his heart rate went down to the 50’s which I have never seen him do before. After he recovered from that episode, he was completely out. He didn’t even move when he was picked up to change his sheets, he didn’t cringe when they cleaned his trach. Something is definitely not right. Normally he’d be fighting everything they’d try to do. I don’t understand what’s going on. Just a few days ago he was fine and giving me the biggest smile ever. And now he’s just laying there? It’s that roller coaster ride all over again. By now I’ve learned that you have to take everything with a grain of salt in the NICU and that for every positive step, there is bound to be a step backward coming up sometime. But every time when Wyatt does have a bad day, I’m like a textbook explanation of the five stages of grief. Each time you learn to cope with every stage a little better but you still go through it. It’s very exhausting and frustrating. I’m on the edge of throwing in the towel. Maybe that’s where Wyatt is at. He’s been fighting for so long now. How much can a person really take? I feel this growing disconnect between us, I can’t even quite explain it. When I’m at the hospital with Wyatt, we both can feel each other’s presence, yet we still seem so far apart from each other. Every day I’m torn between wanting to be at the hospital with him because I know he needs me, and trying to stay away in a desperate effort to find that off switch in my brain. But even when I stay away for a little while, I can’t focus on anything anymore. I can’t enjoy anything anymore because my mind is constantly trapped in the hospital. I’m drifting further away from my other three boys, too. I can’t even enjoy spending time with them even though I really want to. I just feel like I lose a piece of myself every day that goes by. Every day is just a blur like it doesn’t even matter. It’s also getting harder to look at Wyatt for some reason, like he’s drifting further away from me each day that he’s staying at the hospital. I’m not sure if what I’m saying even makes any sense. It’s like a never-ending nightmare. No matter how hard I try, I just feel like Wyatt is being pulled further and further away from me and I just can’t reach him anymore… I think I'm losing my mind. I’ll just stop talking now. This is not going anywhere.