bittersweet - June 7/8

June 7

Good news: Wyatt is finally off the ventilator and this time (his 2nd attempt) it looks like he's done with it. He's no longer requiring additional O2, he just still needs help taking breaths often and deep enough. Tube-feeding is going well, too. Hopefully he has turned the corner even though we know it could still be a while before he comes home. We're cautiously optimistic. Just when we think we had a bad day little Wyatt pulls ahead and mends our broken hearts. After a long last few days Wyatt is now eating mommy's milk by bottle feeding! Small amounts are all he can take right now, so he still needs the IV but it's a start.

Wyatt's first bottle feeding June 7th, 2011

June 8

Today was the first time I was able to hold Wyatt since he was born. To be perfectly honest, I was terrified. Even though he was a full-term baby weighing in at almost 8lbs, he seems so fragile with all the medical challenges he’s facing. How do you hold a baby who has that many wires and tubes attached to him, with alarms going off every couple minutes? I didn’t want to make him more uncomfortable. It was bitter sweet. I wanted to hold him but it wouldn’t be enough. What I really wanted was to take him home like all the other healthy babies I had seen leaving the hospital. I held it together while holding him but then broke down in tears after we left the NICU. Leaving him there every day and knowing someone else is taking care of him is the hardest thing to accept. I know he’s in good hands and that’s where he needs to be right now but taking care of him was supposed to be my job. I carried and provided for him for 40weeks and now I had to let someone else take care of him, feed him, calm him down, watch him sleep... It doesn’t feel right.