how life changes once you have kids

When people ask how life changes once you have kids, it’s hard to come up with a good answer. No matter how detailed your explanation, the other person hasn’t experienced it yet. Therefore, it is impossible for them to truly understand.

Being 32 now with four kids ages 11, 8, 4 and 2, it’s strange looking back on how my life and my perspective on it changed over time. I am no longer trying to portray some image of myself like I did when I was single and trying to impress someone or trying to fit in. Life now is more of a “like it or leave it” approach and everything I do is in one sense or another connected to my kids needs. On the rare occasions that my husband and I get time to ourselves, we sometimes get on the topic of “What were we thinking?” No, not in the sense of what stupid things we did when we were young that we now regret, even though I realize you would probably like to read about that. No, simply on how even the best laid out life plan cannot prepare you for how you change as a person over time. Every experience, good or bad, changes you and usually you don’t realize it until much later. Who would I be if I didn’t have my first child when I was 20? What would I have done with my life if I went the traditional path of college, start a career, get married and then have kids? What would my career be? I know the “what if’s” are not practical as I cannot change the past, nor would I want to. But I do think there is value in asking these questions to learn something about yourself. So here is my retrospective view of my life so far:

In my early 20s I was out to conquer the world. I had something to proof, mainly to my parents. Nothing and no one was going to stop me and if someone told me it wasn’t possible, I’d be even more determined to prove them wrong. It was a very self-centered time during which I had no clue and no interest in what else was going on the world. Money was not an issue as long as I had food on the table, a roof over my head and clothes on my body and any job would be acceptable to ensure that much. Politics were just annoying. Protocols and expectations were meant to be followed only as much as needed but then challenged whenever possible. Having my first child in March of 2002 didn’t really change too much about my approach on life. In fact I was proud to say that I could juggle raising a child, working and going to college all at the same time. It was a challenge that I was eager to meet. When child number 2 came along in December of 2004, my goals didn’t change much at that point either but my speed of taking things on did. Life became more of a juggling act. Finding time to study became a multi-tasking job while changing diapers and throwing a meal together. Paying the bills didn’t get any easier either having to come up with daycare money for two kids. That increased financial pressure also made it harder to justify seeking a career that wouldn’t be a top paying job. But it was all I’ve ever done and luckily it was my passion, so somehow I was going to stick with it. What I didn’t realize at that time was that the struggle of putting food on the table for my family would change me in the long run. I can’t tell you how I survived of less than $15,000 a year with two kids while going to college. All I know is that I made it work and I learned to devalue materialistic things. That fear of living paycheck to paycheck again however will always be in the back of my mind. It scares me and pushes me to do more but it also holds me back from going after what I really want. I was no longer a risk taker who was out to challenge the world. From that time on I had to financially justify everything up front. It’s hard to explain to someone who has never been so dirt poor that they had to stop eating meals so they would have enough food to feed their kids. It’s a place you don’t want to be in. However, it’s also something that I am extremely proud of to have went through and come out of on my own. While my parents certainly wish they could have kept me from experiencing such hardship, I now view it as one of the best life lessons ever learned and it made me more resilient. Thankfully from that point forward life got a lot easier. In 2009, my husband and I were in a position for me to stay home with child number 3, born in April 2009, and start my own business on a part-time basis. While it wasn’t an option at that time, I wish I would have had that freedom with the older two kids when they were little. Having the ability to set my own schedule and avoid daycare altogether seemed like the perfect balance. Of course, in the moment we still got caught up with daily struggles and didn’t really appreciate that special time together as much as we should have. Giving in to the constant demands of three kids can still be overwhelming and suddenly made me want to send a thank you card to my own parents. But overall this structure to our life seemed to work best for everyone. With child number 4 on the way, the plan was to continue to do the same routine. I would stay home during the day with the kids and only work part-time on my husband’s days off. But then June 2011 came and our world would never be the same. If you’ve been reading my blog from the beginning, you already know what life has been like for us in the last two years. What I’m trying to get to here though is that child number 4 changes us forever. Having kids changes everyone. Kids bring back joy to the little things in life. They keep things honest and make you brutally aware of your own mistakes so you can become a better person. Having a medically complex child however only few people get to experience. All the things that we took for granted before were thrown in our faces and almost daily this incredibly unique child reminds us to get out of our rut and enjoy the smallest but most important things in life. I wouldn’t say, as some special needs parents do, that his diagnosis is a gift or a blessing. I strongly disagree with that because I wouldn’t wish this life on anyone. But I will say that without his diagnosis we wouldn’t have learned so much about ourselves and see the value in so many more things in life. Most people during their entire life never get to experience such personal growth in such depth as we have, and we are only in our early 30s. I am happy to say that child number 4 has brought me back to wanting to follow my dreams and to take life head on without worrying too much about the challenges ahead. I will never be able to get back to the worry free days of my early 20s and risks taken now are carefully calculated risks but I’m far from struggling to survive and closer to real happiness than ever before.

That’s how life changed for us when we had kids.